What I See Now
When I look back on my marriage, I finally see how young I was when it all began- not in age, but in experience. I walked into that relationship with an honest heart and no map for how love should feel. I trusted him because I didn’t know I was allowed to feel uncomfortable. I didn’t know that love isn’t supposed to trap you or pressure you or silence your feelings.
He knew I was new to everything. He knew my history, my innocence, my upbringing. Instead of protecting that, he used it to his advantage. He turned my lack of experience into something he could hold over me, something to remind me that he was the only one who ever “wanted” me. He convinced me that his approval was something I needed to earn.
When I tried to express hurt, he dismissed it. When I tried to set boundaries, he ignored them. When I asked him to change, he changed just long enough to keep me hopeful- then slipped back into the same cold patterns. I lived inside a cycle where I learned to swallow my voice, soften my reactions and pretend things didn’t cut as deep as they did.
For years I though silence was strength. I thought tolerating disrespect meant I was being a “good wife".” I didn’t realize that love and fear should never share a bed.
Now I’m beginning to understand:
*real love doesn’t use your story as leverage
*real love doesn’t corner you or laugh at your discomfort
*real love listens
*real love grows with you, not against you
I can’t rewrite the past, but I can reclaim the truth of it. I can honor the version of me who didn’t know better- the girl who just wanted to love and be loved. That girl deserved respect. She deserved care. She deserved safety.
And I am giving her those things now.
